When money comes up in conversations about relationships, the focus is often on budgeting, saving or maybe the occasional disagreement over spending. What’s less often talked about is financial abuse. This is a form of control that’s less visible than physical or emotional abuse, but the effects can be just as severe.

In many situations, “abuse” feels like too strong a word. Looking at a couple’s finances from the outside, there may be red flags of potential financial abuse. But in reality, there’s often no malicious intent; just unhelpful financial habits and attitudes that have built up over time.

In truth, money behaviours exist on a spectrum. At one end are deliberate, harmful actions designed to control or exploit. At the other end are unhelpful patterns like secrecy, imbalance, or what some call financial infidelity.

Wherever you are on that spectrum, if something doesn’t feel right in the financial side of your relationship, it’s worth exploring.

What does financial abuse look like in real life?

Financial abuse is classed as a form of economic abuse, which has been recognised in UK law since the Domestic Abuse Act 2021.

Sometimes financial abuse is obvious. For example:

• A spouse whose wages were paid into a joint account, but their partner kept the debit card and gave back “pocket money” for groceries.
• A fiancée who discovered their partner had secretly taken out multiple loans in their name, leaving them responsible for thousands of pounds of debt.

But in other cases, it’s subtle. It might look like:

• A partner who “takes care of everything” financially, but never shares information about bills, savings, or debts.
• Someone who regularly makes big purchases without consultation, leaving the other partner anxious about money but afraid to speak up.
• A non-earning partner with no bank account of their own, leading to dependency and disempowerment.

These kinds of situations are quite common and they don’t always come from bad intentions. Sometimes one partner believes they’re helping by carrying the burden of household finances, without realising it leaves the other with a lack of visibility of their financial situation.

Often, people who are experiencing financial abuse don’t recognise it as such. They may just have a vague, nagging sense of anxiety that something isn’t quite right.

Three forms of financial abuse to be aware of

Lack of awareness around financial abuse means it really isn’t spoken about. It can also be complex and difficult to spot, but it can be helpful to recognise it in three main forms:

• Financial control: restricting or manipulating someone’s access to money, leaving them dependent or excluded from decisions.

• Financial exploitation: using another person’s resources for personal gain, without fairness or transparency. This can include elder abuse, taking advantage of positions of trust.

• Financial sabotage: deliberate actions to damage or undermine someone’s financial independence or stability. This can include preventing a partner from working.

Below are some examples of how these can show up in unhealthy ways, together with some examples of healthier money behaviours.

Financial Control

❌ Restricting access to joint accounts or wages

❌ Giving out “allowances” and monitoring spending

❌ Making important financial decisions without discussion

❌ Held ‘financial hostage’ to stay in an abusive relationship

✅ Equal access to shared accounts

✅ Both partners have access to independent finances

✅ Discussing big financial decisions together

✅ Respecting each other’s independence with day-to-day spending

Financial Exploitation

❌ Using credit cards, loans or bills in someone else’s name

❌ Pressuring a partner to hand over savings or assets

❌ Spending money that’s needed for joint household bills

❌ One partner carrying all the financial responsibilities while the other avoids them

✅ Transparency about borrowing and shared liabilities

✅ Agreeing how savings are used and making joint decisions

✅ Sharing financial responsibilities in a way that feels fair to both

✅ Being respectful of partner’s differing core values and approach to finances

Financial Sabotage

❌ Running up debts behind a partner’s back

❌ Damaging a partner’s credit rating (e.g. missed joint payments)

❌ Blocking opportunities to work, study or progress financially

❌ Isolation from friends and family

✅ Honesty about spending and debts

✅ Protecting each other’s credit history and financial wellbeing

✅ Supporting each other’s career or financial independence

✅ Maintaining a support network of family and friends

Why financial abuse awareness matters

Many couples I work with wouldn’t describe their situation as “abusive”, but it’s common for things not to feel quite right. When money dynamics feel unequal, secretive, or controlling, it can breed resentment and mistrust.

That doesn’t mean blame or shame. It means there’s an opportunity to reset and find healthier patterns.

To support this work, I’ve completed training as a Financial Abuse Specialist, certified by Standards International. The fact that such a qualification exists shows just how real and recognised this issue is. But there’s still a long way to go in raising awareness and supporting change.

Couples who have faced into this awareness are better able to understand each other’s perspective. Our lived experience with money is unique, stemming all the way back to childhood, with influences from family, friends, teachers and colleagues. It can take time to truly understand your partner’s view of the world, through the lens of money.

If any of this resonates with you, as someone who feels controlled, or someone who perhaps leans a little too heavily on a partner, know that support is available.

Financial coaching offers a safe, non-judgemental space to explore money behaviours, uncover unhelpful dynamics, and build a shared approach that works for both partners.

You can read more about financial coaches for couples here.

Further resources

If you’re affected by financial abuse, you don’t have to face it alone. These organisations can provide expert support:

• Surviving Economic Abuse (SEA) – the only UK charity dedicated solely to raising awareness of economic abuse and supporting victim-survivors.

• Refuge – provides specialist support to women and children experiencing domestic abuse, including financial abuse.

• Money Advice Plus – confidential money and debt advice, with expertise in supporting those affected by abuse.

• StepChange Debt Charity – practical help for anyone struggling with debt, including those affected by abusive financial situations.

Summary

Money should never be used as a weapon, whether through deliberate abuse or simply unhelpful habits. An increased awareness of financial abuse can help break the silence, reduce the stigma, and give couples the confidence to create healthier, more equal financial relationships.

While this blog post has focused on financial abuse within relationships, it’s worth noting that sometimes the harshest money behaviours come from within ourselves. Many people I speak with describe feeling “bad with money,” carrying guilt or shame, or depriving themselves while being overly generous to others.

You might call this financial self-abuse. It’s not the same as the behaviours described earlier, but it can be just as limiting and painful. This could be a topic for a future blog, but for now, know that if you find yourself stuck in unkind money patterns, you’re not alone. Change is possible.